Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
