We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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