i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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