come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
