Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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