just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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