Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
