I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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