I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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