Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
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It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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