I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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