do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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