Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
