So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i've created a new STD.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
