that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
