Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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