Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
