and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
