hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
