perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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