On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
