wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
