There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
