You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
