i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
