he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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