You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
