dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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