3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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