it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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