so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
