can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
