I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I supernannyed him into submission
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
