Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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