I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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