So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
