false alarm. still invincible.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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