I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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