and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
