i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
