You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
