my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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