I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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