o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
