I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
