i already hear my dad disowning me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
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