I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
