WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
