remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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