my phone needs a breathalizer
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Couch. On fire.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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