so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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