I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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