everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
