Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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