I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
