I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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