The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
