I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What a dumb baby whore.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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